El Rant Infinite

UGH, emotions...Yes, emotions. Sick of them...isn't their original meaning "disturbance"? Well emotions disturb me...my own AND the emotions of others. Why? Because they are so manipulative, draining, devouring, deceiving...I'd say I hate them, but that's an emotional reaction too. And I hate how I absolutely am driven on taking on the emotional problems of others. Am I that bored with my own issues that I need more? Stupid rescuing complex, I hate it! I need to be able to be friends with people without becoming their counselor. And I promise that I'm not sexist, but I need more guy friends, my female friends are numerous and dramatic. Drama + large numbers of sources = headaches for me. Like I need something to give me headaches, right?

I hate the fact that I have chronic headaches, and yet I do nothing about it. My mom even got the number of this doctor at some headache clinic and I'm too much of a lazy ass to schedule an appointment for myself. How bad is it that when I want to accomplish something in my life and I'm too lazy to even pick up a phone, book, or whatever to accomplish it? What do I do instead? I watch TV! I really need to break TV's hold over my attention. But it doesn't even need to be TV either...its anything and everything other than what I need to do! What is that? How can I want to accomplish something and do everything in my power to stall, stop, slow down, create obstacles, distract myself, and not get it done??? At what point did I become so lazy? I used to take such pride in my academic accomplishments and now what? I'd rather watch TV or do anything mindless instead of studying...I really don't understand. But it's not just academics either! It's EVERYTHING! Taking care of my headaches, speaking to my relatives, following up on classwork, taking care of hygiene, completing my personal projects...nothing escapes this black hole of apathy, sleepiness, laziness, and neglected goals! All I know is that I need to break free of this cycle, or my whole life will be like this. I can't allow that to happen. I want to be able to feel like I've lived to my utmost potential. That's it...I'm done with this downward spiral! Ugh...I can say that all I want, unfortunately, but talk is cheap...What can I do to counter this that will be truly effective? I'm totally stuck on that question...Well, I wanted a sense of control...maybe I can attain that sense of control with regards to my own life! Wow, I think even a rocket scientist would've had a hard time with this one...And now my head hurts again!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!