And So It Begins Again...

Oh my poor poor wittle head! DAMN LEXAPRO! I shall never take you again! Ugh. Hopefully my wonderful doctor will give me a call back after I'm done typing this message so I can stop wincing. Mind you, I said wincing not whining. Although, now that I think about it, I am doing a fair bit of both. Hence, this post. But hey, where would pain be without the "OWWWWWWWW"? Firefox keeps trying to tell me that's not how you spell "OW." Well, screw you Firefox, it hurts. For those who don't know what Firefox is, look it up. And no, its not StarFox. That's not spelled incorrectly either, Firefox! How droll. And OMG the sun is shining, turn it off! OWIE. Enough with the squiggly red line! That's exactly how you spell "owie," you worthless piece of binary.

I Back...Whee... No, Never Mind >.<

Been gone way too long...Derrick is the best boyfriend in the world!!!! THANK YOU D-LIST!!!!!!! Okay, actually...Thank you, Derrick...D-list sucks cow udders. Anyway, enough about my love life. Actual life, if you can believe it, is much more...confusing. That's not even the right word. Crap. My brain is french fries...why am I even up at this hour typing?! I should be sleeping. Good night...morning...whatever.

The Lone Wolf No Longer?

So maybe D-list isn't so useless after all...This one is called Derrick. It is rather amazing how little results I get from the real world, but I seem to be able to find men on the Internet...OK, maybe it's not so amazing...it's happened too many times already.

The Lone Wolf

Will the Wolf ever find a suitable mate? Time is my friend, but men are not. I've been feeling rejected by attractive men with personalities since Ryan broke up with me...I have to ask myself, "Is he the best I could've done?" Such a dangerous question, but a valid one...I do believe that I deserve to have a boyfriend who is both a good person and attractive to me, but every time I search for such a person, I come up short or with a compromise. I'm depressed...I don't want to search for the Truth alone, and yet, here I am, seeking, all alone. Believe me when I tell you, it's not all innocent, my hormones are raging too. However, everytime I keep seeing my friends get paired up, I wonder if I am meant to be alone. I had someone I loved, and it did not last. I wonder all the time if I have lost that opportunity altogether, to truly have someone to love. Whenever I think back, all I can think about is him. I don't wanna feel this way, I want my life back. And while things are much better than they used to be, the wounds are still there, and I cannot help but feel like I am being forced to stay behind everyone else in this game. It definitely doesn't help that men I would not consider my type or within my age set are attracted to me. Most of them are hardly attractive and even if they are intelligent, I do have some expectation when it comes to appearance, come on! Where are you, my heart, I need you back...and I don't mean Ryan, I mean my effing heart! I need it so I can give it to someone else. Now the problem is who...

El Rant Infinite

UGH, emotions...Yes, emotions. Sick of them...isn't their original meaning "disturbance"? Well emotions disturb me...my own AND the emotions of others. Why? Because they are so manipulative, draining, devouring, deceiving...I'd say I hate them, but that's an emotional reaction too. And I hate how I absolutely am driven on taking on the emotional problems of others. Am I that bored with my own issues that I need more? Stupid rescuing complex, I hate it! I need to be able to be friends with people without becoming their counselor. And I promise that I'm not sexist, but I need more guy friends, my female friends are numerous and dramatic. Drama + large numbers of sources = headaches for me. Like I need something to give me headaches, right?

I hate the fact that I have chronic headaches, and yet I do nothing about it. My mom even got the number of this doctor at some headache clinic and I'm too much of a lazy ass to schedule an appointment for myself. How bad is it that when I want to accomplish something in my life and I'm too lazy to even pick up a phone, book, or whatever to accomplish it? What do I do instead? I watch TV! I really need to break TV's hold over my attention. But it doesn't even need to be TV either...its anything and everything other than what I need to do! What is that? How can I want to accomplish something and do everything in my power to stall, stop, slow down, create obstacles, distract myself, and not get it done??? At what point did I become so lazy? I used to take such pride in my academic accomplishments and now what? I'd rather watch TV or do anything mindless instead of studying...I really don't understand. But it's not just academics either! It's EVERYTHING! Taking care of my headaches, speaking to my relatives, following up on classwork, taking care of hygiene, completing my personal projects...nothing escapes this black hole of apathy, sleepiness, laziness, and neglected goals! All I know is that I need to break free of this cycle, or my whole life will be like this. I can't allow that to happen. I want to be able to feel like I've lived to my utmost potential. That's it...I'm done with this downward spiral! Ugh...I can say that all I want, unfortunately, but talk is cheap...What can I do to counter this that will be truly effective? I'm totally stuck on that question...Well, I wanted a sense of control...maybe I can attain that sense of control with regards to my own life! Wow, I think even a rocket scientist would've had a hard time with this one...And now my head hurts again!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

The Beginning - First Post (aka Intro)

Hello Blog World, welcome the Truth Seeker. Here I will post my private thoughts and questions and see if anyone will answer. This is my path, my inner world and inner questions. Sometimes it will just be my life and sometimes it will be my quest. Either way this is way better than a journal...I hate writing with my hands (hand cramps) T_T

Anyhow, enough rambling. Anything else is fodder for my real posts. But it all starts here.